pls correct

[Anonymous]

In this commercialized world, everyone deserves to get more if he has paid more time and effort on a job. If I have worked for one hour, I deserve to get one hour work of salary. It is also a driving force for a teacher to teach. There's no doubt about it.

It sounds great though, we have to look at other aspects in this issue. Firstly, there's a technical problem in it. How can we measure a student's performance? Yes, we can measure a student's performance by exams. However, it may not be the best and fairest way to judge a student's performance. A student may be nervous in exams and get lower scores in the exams. For some subjects, it is even impossible to judge a student's performance by exams such as arts, music, cooking etc.

Secondly, the teacher would put more pressure on students. The students may have a heavier workload and they may have less time to play. Childhood should be the golden time for a kid to enjoy. Kids are supposed to be carefree. They should grow in a happy and pressure-free environment. No one would love to see their kids studying like a robot. We want them to smile not to whine. Learning should be an enjoyable thing not a burden. We should encourage them to learn not to force them to learn.

Thirdly, teaching may become selective. Teachers or schools may only choose brightest kids to teach and they exclude those dumb kids. They may only pay more time on a bright kid than on a dumb kid because a bright kid would learn more than a dumb kid. Dumb kids may become minority and a neglected group of people. That is totally outrageous and unacceptable. Teaching should be fair to everyone. Everyone should have the same right to learn. No one should be neglected.

If we don't want to see commercialization invading schools and if we don't want to see our kids groaning in front of a desk, then we should not let it happen. Teachers should be driven by love not by money to teach.

[Pete]

Here are some suggestions:

In this commercialized world, everyone deserves to get more if he has <strike>paid</strike> put more time and effort on a job. If I have worked for one hour, I deserve to get one hour work of salary. <strike>It</strike> This is also a driving force for a teacher to teach. There's no doubt about it.

Although it sounds great <strike>though</strike>, we have to look at other aspects <strike>in</strike> of this issue. First<strike>ly</strike>, there's a technical problem in it. How can we measure a student's performance? Yes, we can measure a student's performance by exams. However, it may not be the best and fairest way to judge a student's performance. A student may be nervous in exams and get lower scores in the exams. For some subjects, such as arts, music, cooking etc., it is even impossible to judge a student's performance by exams.

Second<strike>ly</strike>, the teacher would put more pressure on students. The students may have a heavier workload and they may have less time to play. Childhood should be the golden time for a <strike>kid</strike> child to enjoy. Kids are supposed to be carefree. They should grow in a happy and pressure-free environment. No one would love to see their kids studying like a robot. We want them to smile, not to whine. Learning should be an enjoyable thing not, a burden. We should encourage them to learn, not <strike>to</strike> force them to learn.

Third<strike>ly</strike>, teaching may become selective. Teachers or schools may only choose the brightest kids to teach, and they would exclude those dumb kids. They may <strike>only</strike> pay more time on a bright kid than on a dumb kid because a bright kid would learn more than a dumb kid. Dumb kids may become a minority and a neglected group of people. That is totally outrageous and unacceptable. Teaching should be fair to everyone. Everyone should have the same right to learn. No one should be neglected.

If we don't want to see commercialization invading schools and if we don't want to see our kids groaning in front of a desk, then we should not let it happen. Teachers should be driven by love not by money to teach.

-- Here's a comment on the beginning and end of the essay, the overall logic. Your introductory paragraph speaks of teachers being paid according to the amount of work that they do. The rest of your paper seems to argue against teachers being paid according to how successful their students are, which is not the same thing at all. Your introduction should probably be changed to mention the subject that the rest of the paper is discussing. The concluding paragraph would be stronger if you could suggest some policy change that would encourage the result that you want; i.e. how do you get teachers who teach for love of teaching? I doubt that deliberately low salaries for teachers would get the best people to be your teachers.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure whether I was out of topic, so let me give you the topic of my essay "Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. Give specific reasons and examples to support your opinion." My standpoint is against the topic and my whole body is written about my concluding line "Teachers should be driven by love not by money to teach." In my point of view, teachers are not difficult to find but good teachers are very difficult to find just like you Pete and Rusty. I didn't pay you but you still help people. I really appreciate your help.
P.S. I didn't suggest that teachers shouldn't be paid, I just said that money is not everything.

[Pete]

I am not sure whether I was out of topic, so let me give you the topic of my essay "Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. Give specific reasons and examples to support your opinion." My standpoint is against the topic and my whole body is written about my concluding line "Teachers should be driven by love not by money to teach." In my point of view, teachers are not difficult to find but good teachers are very difficult to find just like you Pete and Rusty. I didn't pay you but you still help people. I really appreciate your help.
P.S. I didn't suggest that teachers shouldn't be paid, I just said that money is not everything.
I'd say that the body of the essay and the concluding paragraph did indeed stick to the assigned topic. The introductory paragraph misled me; after reading it, I had the wrong idea of what the essay would be about. It didn't tell me what the issue was and which side you would be taking. Other than that, the essay was not off topic.