Native speakers' opinions needed please!

[daya]

Hello native speakers,

I am creating the web copy for the web site of a company involved in development of solutions for vertical markets. Below are the first two paragraphs, which will be placed in the start page. I need opinions as per English and style if possible. Will you want to read further, having read the below description?

Thanks in advance.
Daya

What we do

We create, maintain, and customize software solutions to facilitate day-to-day real estate and car rental business operations. Focused on your success, not only VeryGoodCompany team works for you, it works with you, helping you to achieve new heights your business deserves. At VeryGoodCompany, we adapt technology to your business needs so that you could realize the value of your investment over time.

Who we are

VeryGoodCompany is a team of highly-qualified professionals, software developers, and QA engineers, specializing in development of automated solutions for vertical markets, in particular for property management industry and car rental service. We provide a broad range of development and support services to people throughout the World.

Contact us to discuss your needs so we can start working on your solutions today.

[danmahaffey]

Hello native speakers,

I am creating the web copy for the web site of a company involved in development of solutions for vertical markets. Below are the first two paragraphs, which will be placed in the start page. I need opinions as per English and style if possible. Will you want to read further, having read the below description?
What we do

We create, maintain, and customize software solutions to facilitate day-to-day real estate and car rental business operations. Focused on your success, not only does the VeryGoodCompany team work s for you, it works with you, helping you to achieve new heights your business deserves. At VeryGoodCompany, we adapt technology to your business needs so that you could can realize the value of your investment over time.

Who we are

VeryGoodCompany is a team of highly-qualified professionals, software developers, and QA engineers, specializing in development of automated solutions for vertical markets, in particular for the property management industry and car rental service industries. We provide a broad range of development and support services to people throughout the World.

Contact us to discuss your needs so we can start working on your solutions today.

* * * * * *

This was quite well phrased before I got to it, so my job was easy. Good luck with this project.

[daya]

Hello danmahaffey,

Thank you for the helpful corrections. Please give me your opinion on will you want to read further, having read this description on the start page?

Thank you in advance.

Daya

[danmahaffey]

Hello danmahaffey,

Thank you for the helpful corrections. Please give me your opinion on will you want to read further, having read this description on the start page? Daya, I'm afraid I don't want to read further, but only because you've "uninvited" me by your concluding message, Contact us to discuss your needs so we can start working on your solutions today, and by the absence of links to more information. (Is there more information?)

This is not all bad. Your true objective is to get customers, not readers. If site visitors can become customers by reading further, then let's help them along so their only choice is not between contacting or leaving.

I suggest something like this:


What we do

We create, maintain, and customize software solutions to facilitate day-to-day real estate and car rental business operations. Focused on your success, not only does the VeryGoodCompany team work for you, it works with you, helping you to achieve new heights your business deserves. At VeryGoodCompany, we adapt technology to your business needs so that you can realize the value of your investment over time. Click here to learn more about VeryGoodCompany's software solutions.

Who we are

VeryGoodCompany is a team of highly-qualified professionals, software developers, and QA engineers, specializing in development of automated solutions for vertical markets, in particular for the property management and car rental industries. We provide a broad range of development and support services to people throughout the World. Click here to learn more about VeryGoodCompany's team of world-class solution providers.

Contact us to discuss your needs so we can start working on your solutions today.

[daya]

Hello danmahaffey,

Thank you for your excellent suggestions. We planned to do the links as you suggest. It is good to have confirmation from you. This is the start page. We hope we have given enough information to show what we do and to inform and create interest in the customer. We want to avoid too much specific information on the start page. We want to make the point clear what we do but not to go overboard with explanations. We try to keep in mind that "less is more" but we don't want to do too little either. ;)

Thank you for your generous help.

Daya